A little anxious...

Here we are in the last stretch. The last 5 weeks. The longest part of it.

This morning the baby's hiccups woke me up around 5am. I have been sleeping exclusively on my left side for months now as I can no longer turn around without causing major disruption in my own and Steph's sleep and waking myself up entirely. My nose has been blocked since December. Eating has become a real pain - due to above-mentioned blocked nose. And baby jumping on bladder means my WC - free autonomy is pathetic.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - because really, I am so very happy everything (well, all the important stuff) is going well - but I am kind of getting fed up of being pregnant. I wouldn't mind having my body back now... Of course, I don't want the baby to come this early (please take your time and stay another month) but, in all honesty, I would really appreciate being able to breathe, eat, sleep normally as well as not need to pee every 30 minutes.

(Note: As if! Yes, I think I do know that although I will have most of my body back I will be getting less sleep and will have a baby in tow 24/7, a new life to deal with, etc. ... bear with me, ok?)

Also, things are so good with Emma at the moment that I am kind of anxious about the baby arriving and disrupting our nice little rhythm. A friend of mine was telling me last week that right at the end of her second pregnancy she wished she could just stay pregnant. She didn't want to give birth because things were just fine as they were. At the time I thought : "What?! Stay pregnant longer?! I couldn't wait for Emma to be born!" But now, I get it. The second one is not the same.

What if Emma hates me? What if I can't find the energy and time and split myself into (at least) 2 to be there for both of them? What if this baby rocks the boat to the point where I really dislike him? or, on the contrary, what if I get so absorbed in him that I find Emma annoying interrupting our little "tête à tête" breast-feeding sessions with her loud and enthusiastic voice and requests for attention? What if I don't find the patience? What if I just can't handle it all at once and want to run away to a silent beach or a coffee & chat with a friend in nice clothes and no laundry to be done?

All of this will probably happen. And I know that there will be moments where I will feel totally overwhelmed and crazy and desperate. There will also be moments where I will feel like the luckiest person alive.

The first time around I was so happy. (Despite being in worse shape physically, having painful swollen legs and feet, being absolutely huge, being in transit from Izmir to Geneva to Vienna for God's sake! having a crazy thyroid and bringing Emma back to my mother-in-laws and not our home, not knowing where we were going to live and then finally moving into a disaster area of a flat before spending over six months in Geneva while Steph was in Vienna, etc.) I was really happy. Sometimes I felt a bit robbed of the moment, like I could not fully enjoy our first months together due to all this external chaos but overall I was absolutely over the moon with Emma and with being her Mum.

Even before she was born, I was so enthusiastic and looked forward to meeting Emma. I had no clue about the sleepless nights to come, being more tired than is imaginable, that I would sometimes want to cry out of exhaustion or scream from frustration at just wanting to have 30 minutes to myself or feel totally at a loss when Emma was crying incessantly and not being able to make her stop. Ah! the innocence.

Granted, these moments were short-lived and are really blurry and minor memories compared to the joy and pride and sheer fulfillment I feel when I look at Emma (or sometimes even a picture of her), when I hear her laugh or see the sparkle in her eye as she smiles. She has grown so much and it's not often that I can cuddle her for more than a minute now days (unless she is ill or grumpy).

The love was bigger, greater, fatter and more enveloping than all the rest of it.

But now, I worry that her little brother will disrupt her happiness, our balance, and at the same time, I feel quite horrible to be worried about this instead of being overwhelmed with joy about welcoming our little boy. I cannot remember feeling worried about our life changing due to Emma. I worry, will I love him like I love her?

It's just that, there is only one single first time - in everything - and I wish I could be as fresh to motherhood this time as I was with Emma and at the same time for it not to hurt her or me or us. I want the good without the bad and it's impossible. I cannot be the same parent to both children, simply because I am not entirely the same person as I was nearly three years ago before Emma became a part of our lives.

***

Update (16th March 2010):
I feel a bit less anxious today. I feel a bit more faith in... life? I know that at least this time we will not be moving with a newborn and that we have a stable environment in which to welcome our baby. Our home, some friends and greater knowledge of the city. Spring is on its way and with it Vienna becomes a much nicer place to live. All this adds up to us having more energy and a better network to help us through the first few months. We also have a short family holiday planned to the sun which I am looking forward to.
Emma, although possessive and used to being the centre of our world, will also benefit from her brother's arrival. And she is a very resourceful little girl. She now also has a life outside of our home with friends at kindergarden and gym class and the park. Also, a few family members will be visiting us this Spring and hopefully she will also find solace in their love and attention.
All we can do is our best to include her and support her and each other during this time. With a bit of luck, it will be alright.