Who said I can't talk?

Mesmerized

Enthusiastic and hopeful

Concerned..?

Thoughtful

Smiling knowingly

Looking happy!

Pleasantly surprised

Oh, and these two mean "ouch!!!"




So young and yet so expressive!

Family visit

We had a wonderful family week-end with Grand-papa & Pata's visit.

It was perfect! We all had some family time, play time, they had some shopping time and we met some friends, in fact even the capricious weather cooperated to a tee and we had sunny days in the park and garden and were able to eat outside at the market on Saturday. The only cloud in our sky was poor William's stomach still not functioning smoothly and hence we are still sleepy.

Emma loved having her grand-parents here to play and talk and her recently "Germanified" French even came out from a drawer in her head.

It's sometimes hard living away from family as an expat - especially when you have (and for the) kids, but it makes occasional week-ends even more special.

For pics of their visit please click here

Another reason I love our car

Sliding doors and loads of space; Enough to change Will's nappy comfortably and to put the buggy in unfolded. Plus you can stand under the boot door when it's raining.

What's not to love?

Still alive and kicking... albeit sleepily

I've been away from the blogosphere - and from my Mac - for the past three weeks, mainly due to lack of time and when that was available, sleep, food or a peaceful moment in the shower or a caffé latte were my priority... So if you've sent me an email or a text and are still waiting for a reply please forgive me and consider this your update for now and know that we are alive and kicking.

It's been tough and it's not over.

Not that I want to over dramatize, but lack of sleep is a killer. A colicky second child is a killer. Add to that an attention seeker first born and Spring that is more like November than May and you get a flavor of my feeling of tired.

I cannot emphasize how grateful I am to have super hubs around and SO helpful with Emma and Will. As things stand, Steph takes Will after I have given him a last double feed at 8 and 9pm so I can catch some sleep. I take over again at mid-night or whenever Will wakes up. We'll try getting on to a E.A.S.Y routine when Will is over a month old.


Oh, and whether you have a super hubs or not, the single most essential thing to have when you've got a second child is a baby carrier so that your hands are free!!!

My view of Will in his babybjörn baby carrier

Other than that, Will is super cute, if resembling Don Camillo from the Panzani commercials (see below) with his bulging absolutely huge eyes and funny nose.

He seems very "here" for such a young one. His eyes seem to focus and he actually knocks his little bells on his pram.

Unfortunately, he sleeps like log in the night to the point of not wanting to eat for more than 10 minutes a pop and hence wakes me exceedingly often. I am so tired by morning I just want to hide under the covers and tell everyone and everything to just go away. On the positive side, during day time he mostly manages to sleep through Emma's singing, shouting, crying, pouncing, jumping, etc. and manages to sleep between feeds for up to 3,5 hours. If only he would do the same at night...

His first visit to the pediatrician last week went well and we were told he had put on 700gr in two weeks and now measured 57cm (what?! 6 cm in 2 weeks?! well, maybe her just stretches out more).

Emma is being very good, giving him a zillion kisses a day and always asking where he is as soon as she wakes up or comes in from the garden or park. Her absolute favorite is when I tell her Will needs changing and she gleefully shouts "C'mon Mummy, let's change Will!" and that he has (no doubt) made a huge caca!

She also quite enjoys bath time as she pours water over his belly or holds his foot to lessen the Moro reflex.
She does, admittedly ask for more cuddles from me and sometimes looks a bit put out when Will is yet again "eating from boobie" but generally she has grown accustomed to having him around. It will be another thing when he starts moving around and playing with toys.

Having gone through a short spell of finding it really hard to tell Emma I cannot run/jump/draw with her while I am feeding Will, I have found ways to do things with her during this time. A book can be read and a song can be sung (she now knows the ABC song!) and questions can be asked - although Emma's focus on answering them is not great - sort of like when I am driving.
The most annoying moments are when she tries to kiss him or do my hair while I am breastfeeding; Emma is the clumsiest, heaviest dinosaur of a little girl and inevitably hits me in the chin, knocks Will, falls over the both of us, knocks over the bottle of water, falls over her own feet, etc. It can be quite annoying when it happens 20 times a day I can assure you!

Actually, I get annoyed at hearing myself repeat "be careful", "gently", etc. over and over again.

Well, that's about it (it's taken me about 4 days to write the above!) - I'm going to attempt a catnap before Will wakes.

William update - 3 days old

So what's been happening for the past three days?

Off the top of my head and once again sleep deprived new-mummy-brain:


Will slept a lot on Sunday and it was sometimes hard to get him to breastfeed for more than 10 minutes at a time (pause, burp, feed, sometimes reflux) but as the day drew to a close he got hungrier so I hope that all that sucking will bring my milk in soon.

He has really looong fingers and seems finer and of a more slender build than Emma, although, at the grand old age of 48hours things could change!


It's impressive how big and grown up Emma seems all of a sudden! Practically a teenager! ;-)

My days here at the clinic are busy, busy busy; After my first visitors (Steph and Emma before they go to work and kindergarden) the obgyn came by and checked my uterus, blood was taken for a blood test (not sure what that was about but will ask the obgyn ) the physiotherapist came by and so did a masseuse (I didn't get to benefit from these as I had visitors and was breastfeeding when they came on Monday but did on Tuesday).

My nights of sleep are currently 1h30am-5h30/6am. I definitely need a nap in the afternoon!

Will likes to sleep in after his first morning feed allowing me to shower etc. before breakfast and visits!

Will's weight was 3290gr on Monday morning and 3260gr Tuesday and today he is edging back up to his original birth weight at 3310gr. Yay!!!

He is looking slightly less pinky-blue and quite handsome.


Emma and Steph bumped into the obgyn Tuesday morning as they were leaving and Emma's first reaction was "das ist nicht dein Bruder! Das ist mein Bruder!!" Ever true to herself, although a "Guten Morgen" would have been nice too!

I had forgotten how ravenously hungry breastfeeding makes me. I literally wolf down my scrambled eggs and my lunch (soup, fish, potatoes, salad & desert) lasted all of 10 minutes !!

We survived the notorious day 3 slump! Hopefully as of today we will start feeling better again!

Translating baby sounds

I had found this quite useful with Emma and will be listening out for Will's cries using this method again.

Dunstan Baby language

Welcome William

Well, here he is! Our perfect little boy, 51cm long and weighing 3420gr.

William was born at 4h05 this morning after 8 hours of labor. He was pretty quick to come once his head had descended and both the midwife Ulli and our Dr. K were great.

Some pics from the iPhone.

Now, I really hope that's my breakfast I hear coming 'cause I am absolutely starving!

Meanwhile, Will has already been breastfed and is sleeping peacefully...

40 weeks + 4 days pregnant

Mmmm... I've been through various stages since Tuesday (EDD at 40 weeks). That was just 4 days ago but feels like weeks have gone by.

First, as soon as I was at the clinic doing the heart monitoring at 10am, I felt certain the baby was not coming that day. Even though there was still the possibility of the whole day. Even though the Hebamme told me contractions could theoretically start as soon as I got home, in a few hours or the very same night. Or not.

And they didn't.

I can't say I was displeased, since April 20th wasn't exactly a date to wish for after I had been informed that this man had been born on it in Austria. Although, rationally, I am sure lots of great people were too. But in Austria... well, let's just say, once I knew about it, I would have preferred a different one.

April 21st came and went and I started to feel as though it might all well be a fake, dream or misunderstanding; like I'd hidden a pillow under my t-shirt or something and now nothing was coming of it. Was I really pregnant? I felt like checking every time I woke up, just to make sure it wasn't a dream.

April 22nd Thursday; I was due for another heart monitoring session but since I felt fine and my Pilates instructor would have me, I first went to my preggie Pilates class. Surprise! I am still preggers!

In fact, everywhere I go (kindergarden, restaurants, the supermarket or the ice-cream place...) people now comment and ask "what's up? does he not want to come out?" "come out baby, we want to meet you!" Having already wished me luck and a smooth delivery a number of times thinking they had seen the last of my belly, well there's not much else to say when I show up still pregnant again. Only my belly seems even lower and perhaps I'm walking with more of a waddle. At any rate, still pregnant. It feels like ages even to them.

Oops! Really low!

The heart monitoring went well, the baby was lively and jumping around and I felt really relaxed and "open" after the Pilates. The Hebamme told me that D-day was "just a date", that babies often waited up to 10 days before coming out -especially the first one. Yes, only this is my second and my first came "on time" so this is kind of unexpected... and since he has been low (really low) as well as head down for over 10 weeks now, plus I have been running around after Emma, I just thought he might have come earlier... But obviously the most important thing is that he is fine. And yes, I am aware that full term could be anywhere between week 37 and week 42. It's just that, having been given a date, it's hard not to focus on it.

We also talk about the risks of perinatal deaths increasing after (during?) week 42 and the Hebamme reassures me that they don't leave the babies in beyond 40 weeks + 10 days in this clinic. We talk about induction using prostaglandins and I recall my gynae saying she had used them for both her babies around 40 weeks +5. I'm technically in my 41st week now. Mmm... Lots of Googling when I get home.

Why do I feel like I am having to justify myself? I am fine with him not being out yet. Really I am. I meant what I wrote in my birth affirmations. I wish my baby to come when he is ready and I hate the idea of doing something to pull him out. But, but... Maybe what's getting to me is the questions, calls, comments and the fact that people seem to think I'm in the driving seat here. Well, I'm not. It's baby's decision. Why do I feel like I haven't "delivered"? As if I had blown a dead-line on a very important project. I know people ask our of concern and kindness, but quite clearly, you can see he is still inside and we will let you know as soon as he arrives, promise!

Yes, we could induce. Only, as things stand there is no real reason to do so. I am not in pain or unwell or tired beyond belief (as I was with Emma and even then I talked to her all the time asking her to please come out on her own so we didn't have to come and get her and she did!) . The baby is not in distress. Risks of infant death rise after week 42 and we are not remotely near that number. I am going for monitoring every 48 hours, feel fine and have had a pregnancy without the slightest complication. I am not going to induce labor to suit some societal (so-called) imperative that may suit a time-table or a flight schedule.

On the other hand, if I am feeling this agitated it's because part of me echos the questions and expectations I hear in other people's words and faces - like when you've been waiting for spring to come after a loooong winter, have a day of sun and then go back to grey and cold. Ugh. Also, I am feeling increasingly tired (major lack of sleep lately due to various things...) which is not helping my mood and energy levels. Part of me is not quite as relaxed and "live and let live" as I would like to be (although, seriously, much more than I used to be!)

Admittedly, it would be nice if the boy could arrive while my Mum is here to be with Emma - an extra pair of arms to hug her and be with her, especially if it happens at night. Admittedly, it would be nice if Steph didn't have to cancel or postpone his trip on April 29th or if I could take 48 hours to rest in the clinic before coming home without feeling totally guilty and torn. And most of all, it would be great if we didn't have to change our holiday schedule due to not getting baby's passport in time. But.... But it would be really nice if we could just let nature take it's course...

Maybe, like my friend M., having been pregnant this long, I am now weary of rocking the boat. Maybe I just want to enjoy the present without feeling compelled to decide and control. Maybe I'm getting bored out of my mind (having kept my schedule free with no lunches, coffees or play-dates planned at all week my days are totally flexible and well, free!)
I really would like baby to come on his own and well, meet him! I would like to be able to enjoy the last days of pregnancy and feel as light (read "no pressure") as mothers did when they had no EDD and 9 months was roughly "the time". But on the other hand, part of me is finding the time very long and the prospect of another 6 days (bringing us to 40 weeks +10 days) feels like eternity!

Did I mention, that Steph was born 2 weeks late?

Oh, and that I am getting nervous about the increasing size of the baby?

Oh, and I have another heart monitoring scheduled this morning at 9h and will be seeing my Obgyn too. Hopefully we'll be able to check my cervix this time as well.

Update coming soon...

This little piggie

Emma's baby and Baa baa black sheep

40 weeks pregnant update

The baby heart monitoring went well (apparently the decreased movements are normal, can be due to lack of space and "le calme avant la tempête" ) As I wirite at 14h39 I still feel as if I could still be weeks away from giving birth.
A bit of an anti-climax but still, D-day is only a date and it's great that we don't control everything isn't it?

Dr.'s instructions: another heart monitoring in 48 hours (Thursday morning) should nothing have happened by then...

Wait and see!

Until then, I'm planning on enjoying the sun, my daughter, my husband and Mum's company as well as some ice-cream and the park.

40 weeks pregnant!

... and really, nothing seems to be going on here. Were I not aware of what date it is, I could just as well be 7 months pregnant. No cramps, no contractions, no water breaking, no bleeding.
Just a little more tired (mainly due to the fact that my spring allergies have set in and that Emma has been getting up really early enthusiastic to see her Gogo) and less movement from the baby (which is a bit strange...); he still hiccups and moves but less frequently and less energetically. I've read both that this is normal due to lack of space since he is now full term and the contrary, that he should be moving all the time now.

So, today, as planned with my Obgyn at our last appointment two weeks ago, I'll be heading to the clinic for a baby heart rate monitoring at 10am after which we will discuss options depending on the results.

There - all there is to this update.

2 days left but does he know it?

Well, it's Sunday morning and theoretically, baby is due in 2 days but does he know it?!

On Thursday I did my last Preggie-Pilates class and my trainer J. said she thought the baby would come over the week-end now that my Mum was going to be here. I confirmed that indeed that would be the best time since Steph and Emma and my Mum would all be around, plus the sun was due to be coming out finally!

On Friday, I had my last Shiatsu session for a while, and M. my wonderful practioner said she had a sensed the baby was ready and would be coming within 24-48hours. Yay! Indeed, the week-end was a good time, I agreed. Why not after a good night's sleep and filling brunch?

Yesterday was Saturday and apart from baby seeming unusually quiet and not moving much I could not feel anything happening at all.
We walked around the area so as to familiarize my Mum with the surroundings. We walked down to our favorite market and had coffee, bread & jam and scrambled eggs with parmesan, dried tomatoes and ham in the sun.

We played in the sand-pit with Emma and "ate" her preparations and "drank" her coffee.

We had a yummy mixed salad for lunch and a nice nap afterwards.

I printed out the address labels of family and friends so they are ready to be stuck on to envelopes when we have Gerburtskarten to send off.

I gave my Mum a map of the area and have explained to her how the coffee machine and TV work.

Late afternoon, we went to town and had cakes and tea at Café Diglas and then saw an entertaining movie before coming home.

We skipped dinner and after a brief chat, beer & nuts for some and yogurt and water for me, we went to bed for a read and a good night's sleep... perhaps our last in a little while?

Well, now it's Sunday morning and Emma is in her Gogo's bed being read to (the Gruffalo is a current favorite), Steph is under the shower and I am typing away while sipping my Vata and waiting for the oats to cook.
Baby is due in two days, but does he know it?

I wish myself

Some birth affirmations to help me welcome (giving birth to) our littlest one :

My baby is strong and healthy

My baby is safe and birth is easy and smooth

My cervix is opening and allows my baby to move down

My body knows exactly what to do

I trust my body to know what it needs to do

My baby will come when he is ready

I recover quickly and remain healthy

Untapped sources of strength and patience are available to me

I welcome my labor as the perfect one for me, my baby and my family

I welcome my beautiful, healthy baby into the world

My baby feels my joy

I welcome this opportunity to grow, learn and change

My muscles work in harmony to ease the baby into the world gently and smoothly

My breath is strong, deep and easy

I love and trust my body

I trust my intuition

My baby will come at the perfect moment

I receive all the love and support I need

I feel happy, safe and strong

My baby receives all the love and nourishment he needs

Emma continues to feel happy, safe and loved

I have unlimited patience and resources of energy and love

I am a wonderful mother to both my children

I am a wonderful mother to myself

I am a wonderful partner to my love

This is a beautiful time in our lives



I wish myself and my family all of the above

Emma's first "Freundebuch"

Yesterday as I was dropping Emma off at kindergarden, I was handed a Freundbuch to fill in for one of Emma's friends in Emma's name.

Wow! I can remember doing this kind of thing at 8 or 9 maybe even when I was 12 years old - not when I was 2,5 and couldn't read or write! Things are definitely happening way earlier these days...

Emma's teacher L. was there and as I thanked the Mum and hoped my German would be good enough to manage this, she told me that since one child had come in with a Freundbuch, they have been popping up everywhere. Indeed... I can imagine. I opened the book and saw that L. had duly filled in a page, pic and all. Nice. And at least I have some kind of inspiration for the answers (did I mention, in German?)

It's actually a nice souvenir, if your child is about to leave kindergarden whether he/she is graduating to primary school or just moving. Also, it's a great resource for parents (you get everybody's phone number and address and it really helps put a face to a name) as well learn about kids' birth-dates, favorite activity, house pets, hobbies, favorite film, book and color, what their pet peeves are etc. (Note to self: something worth buying and doing when new in school/neighborhood again). Also, I am sure, it will be a lovely possession for a child like Emma who loves to tell me about all her friends in school.

So off I went to fill in our first Freundbuch in my best German - with a little help from a friend - and even bought our own one so that Emma can have a record of this first destination/ kindergarden. I wonder, will she still be able to speak German later, like I remember Italian, or will it lie dormant under layers of other languages and learnings. Who knows? I guess a lot depends on how long we stay here and where we go next.

Anyway, back to now for a little baby update: 11 days left until D-day!!!
I went for my last check with my gynae yesterday and it seems that baby boy weighs 3250gr and is expected to arrive at around 3,5kg (like Emma who was born at 3,450gr). He is very low - I knew that! - and heart beat and activity are all normal.
My blood pressure, urine and weight are all fine too. My thyroid meds need adjusting slightly and I've been told when and by how much to reduce them right after birth (this time) so as not to feel like the Incredible Hulk about to explode every 20 minutes (as if sleep deprivation weren't enough!). Also, I have already scheduled my next thyroid check post-delivery.

Oh, and we might just have found a name...

Emma's Easter egg hunt

The Easter Bunny hid lots of eggs in our garden and Emma was impatient to find eat them...

Emma aufs Klo

or in English - Emma on the toilet. Plus some musical entertainment.

Emma update

After a week of asking to be pushed in her buggy instead of walking - sigh, bad timing!- and wanting to climb into the infant car seat now installed next to hers in my car, Emma has finally started to show signs of wanting to do things on her own again. Phew!

It has taken a LOT of patience (tons!) and even more "bravos" and "well dones" but finally Emma seems to be wanting to do things by herself on her own initiative - which, let's be frank, is the ONLY way it's actually ever going to happen. You can't coerce a child into peeing in the toilet, brushing her teeth or removing her own shoes if she has set her mind on not doing it. Sometimes, she even quotes us: "Emma est une grande fille" (Emma is a big girl).


So, last night after we returned from the sandpit, Emma removed her own shoes, her own fireman pants and only requested some help with removing her fleece jacket. She didn't want to put her slippers on, but so be it. No resistance to hand washing either. Then after dinner and before her bath, she actually decided she wanted to pee on the toilet and undressed herself completely, sat herself on the toilet equipped with a Mr. Man book.

I ran the bath and left her to it while I put a load of laundry in (mainly from the sandpit). I must admit I was skeptical.

After five minutes or so I told her reading time was up and we needed to bath before the water was cold. Getting the book from her took some doing, but then she said she wasn't done - and that's when I heard a trickle. Yes! She was peeing! And peeing and peeing! I congratulated her and got the toilet paper ready. She said she wasn't done. More trickling. She then got down from the toilet and got her own toilet paper, wiped and tossed it in the toilet. Then walked around and flushed.

She then decided she wanted to climb into the bath on her own and moved her little stepping stool next to the bath thereby sparing my back and the baby. Yippeee Yay! And she climbed out on her own too, only holding my hand for support. I am sure you didn't require quite so much detail, but this is a BIG deal for me and her - Yay! Yay! especially as we await the arrival of her little Bruder.

I can't help feeling that our weekly gym classes have contributed to Emma's increased confidence in her body. She is now braver at the park, trying out bigger slides, going down on her tummy without being persuaded and climbing up more complex structures. From the start, Emma was really good with her hands and brain (from opening bottles to fitting in shapes and doing puzzles and repeating words and expressions) but has always been a bit slow in the "moving her whole body" department (sometimes quite handily so if I am totally honest staying put while I was in the shower or cooking when she could have been up to mischief), and I am SO happy to see her feel more confident in herself and agile.


Other than that Emma:

• recently stepped in dog poo and is since readily pointing to any brownish thing on the ground telling me it's "caca" even if it's earth or something
  
• often asks me if I am her friend (bist du meine Freundin, Mummy?) - so cute!
  
• is still telling everybody and anybody who will listen that I am her Mum (das ist meine Mama!) and although she is used to kindergarden teachers joking and saying I am their Mummy or me saying she is "meine Emma" back to her and that everybody has a Mama, she got really upset when Deda told her I was his. I think it might be due to the scarier deep voice and fact that they don't spend that much time together.
  
• still often insists it's all for her; "c'est tout pour Emma, pas partager" (it's all for Emma, not share), although she does with friends so it's mainly a power thing with us parents, so I always ask her very politely if I can have one of her almonds or raisins or carrots and she makes a fuss "okay Mummy, only one"
  
• and I have been doing the head, shoulders, knees and toes together and she loves it!
  
• has just taught me a new song rhyme called Round and round the garden (will try to get that on film soon)

Still preggers!

It's March the 30th (30.03.2010) and although Steph slept badly in Cyprus, I didn't get to sleep 'till late and Emma's bedside light was on at 6am this morning with her snoring next to it, last night's full moon did not make my waters break!

Hurray! I am (37 weeks) still preggers !

Qué serà, serà...

An update to my last post on the moon's effect on natural birth and more specifically the fact that Steph will be away;

As it turns out ALL my back-ups (the kindergarden Mums, the friends, the Pilates teacher, the babysitter...) will all be away as well. In brief, should baby decide to arrive on 30.03.2010 (the next full moon) Emma and I will be going to the clinic together.

I think it's unlikely, but I'm not the one to decide.

This afternoon, we popped round to the clinic to show Emma some babies (no babies around, so we had to make do with baby pics on the walls) and ask the Hebamme (midwife) if there was any way she could um, well, have a look and tell us that the baby was no way coming before a few days at least so that Steph could catch his plane tomorrow and we could be reassured.

Well, as it turns out, I was told that:

• they "cannot tell the future"
• even if they did check and told me there was no sign of labor, my waters might break 15 minutes after I got home
• the full moon had no influence on these things at all
• oh, and that the baby was fine
  

I can't say I feel much better.

Qué serà, serà...I guess.

In the meantime, I'll be using some birth affirmations to keep my spirits up and talking to the baby asking him to wait until Daddy gets back and possibly even until his Grandma (Gogo) gets here.


Here's a little film of Emma and Steph reading together this morning:

The moon's effect on natural child-birth

Yesterday, as Emma and I walked to kindergarden, we ran into the mother of three of Emma's "colleagues". After commenting on the fact that my belly had dropped, she asked me if I knew when the next full moon was.

Ugh, actually, no, no clue at all.

I totally had not checked that. Not for Emma, not now. But coincidentally, my ObGyn had given me a calendar with the moon cycles on my last check-up. I had stuffed it into my filofax without really looking at it. But this morning after dropping Emma off, I did.

And when do you think the next full moon is to take place?

Ta-daa - On March 30th when Steph will be in Cyprus - his last trip until May, well after the baby arrives. The full moon after that is on April 28th (closer to the baby's actual EDD).

So I decided to check the moon cycles for the year and month Emma was born, and Ta-daa; the full moon in July 2007 was on the very day Emma was born! It was the 9th full moon in Emma's gestation, just like the one to take place on March 30th will be the 9th full moon in this baby's gestation.

It's interesting to note that with Emma, although I lost my mucus plug on Thursday, my amniotic sac burst mid-afternoon on Sunday July 29th, and I didn't have contractions or dilate for hours. In fact, I finally took some oxytocin to get things going and she was born at 6h09 on Monday 30th July.

Those who believe that the moon does have a role to play invoke the fact that we are 80% water and that "Under normal circumstances, the pressure of labor contractions bursts the sac. During a full moon, the pressure caused by the moon’s effect on the water inside the sac can cause the same things to happen, but without the accompanying contractions." (Source: The Moon's Effect on Natural Childbirth)

On the other hand, a 2005 study (to cite one of many) found no significant link between the moon's phases and births. But there are loads of things out there we cannot prove and that are happening anyway, right?

Last night I decided to conduct my own little search using family members. According to this calendar, the moon had no influence on the dates of birth of my sister, her kids, my Mum or on mine but was within two days of my Dad's and my husband's birth dates.

Steph says he doesn't "feel" it happening while he is away. Still, I can't say I'm totally reassured.

What about you and your babies? Were they born around a full moon?

Hiccuping tummy

What does it look like when your belly baby moves inside your belly? And has the hiccups?

Emma update

This week Emma has been a happy bunny most of the time, although more cuddly and attention seeking than usual and often stating that whatever food, drink or thing was "all for Emma" or that Mummy and Emma each have one.

Emma and me at the kid's hairdresser

We've been working on the sharing, applauding her when she gives some raisins or one of her mini bananas to a kindergarden "colleague" who might be eyeing her pick-up snack. She's improving, although she prefers to have complete control of the provisions and it's sometimes complicated for her to understand that you cannot really give someone your half eaten, chewed on, left-over.

Emma and her friend Nadia nursing their wounds

after an accidental collision at Kindergarden.

We're also making a conscious effort to encourage her to play on her own more and to shorten the bedtime reading/singing routine to two stories or a song. Not the easiest of things considering she currently wants more attention not less.

Her kindergarden teacher L. tells me she often talks about her "Bruder" (brother) in my tummy. I have explained to her that doctors will help Mummy get the baby out of her tummy. I plan on visiting the clinic with her; hopefully this will help familiarize her with the place and maybe there will be some baby pics or some real live babies there too.

I wish we had a name so that the baby were more like a real person to her - and probably us too. Still, Bruder at least gives him a connection to Emma that she seems to understand and be quite happy with.

I definitely think she feels something is up though; she's interested in toys that are quite obviously meant for babies taking them from the baby's room or insisting that they are hers even when they never were. I think if she "lives" with the toys a bit, she will feel less "deprived" of them should someone else be interested in them later.

The Zopf is back!

New favorite words/expressions:

• it's too "viticult" (difficult)
• Come on Mummy! Let's play!

The temperatures are more spring-like and so we sat in the garden for the first time this year and decorated an Easter bouquet.

(I look the size of Perry Mason!!!)

Emma has made progress in taking off her coat and shoes nearly all by herself when we come home.

She's still not very enthusiastic about using the toilet but at least now she will tell me when she is peeing and pooing so hopefully by the time the weather becomes warmer, we will have moved forward on that one...

Oops! My belly has dropped!

February 10th - 10 weeks to go!

My "bump" was still high up into my ribs.

March 16th - About a month left!

Ooops!

I can feel my ribs again, breathing has become easier but my bladder? Ouch!

A little anxious...

Here we are in the last stretch. The last 5 weeks. The longest part of it.

This morning the baby's hiccups woke me up around 5am. I have been sleeping exclusively on my left side for months now as I can no longer turn around without causing major disruption in my own and Steph's sleep and waking myself up entirely. My nose has been blocked since December. Eating has become a real pain - due to above-mentioned blocked nose. And baby jumping on bladder means my WC - free autonomy is pathetic.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - because really, I am so very happy everything (well, all the important stuff) is going well - but I am kind of getting fed up of being pregnant. I wouldn't mind having my body back now... Of course, I don't want the baby to come this early (please take your time and stay another month) but, in all honesty, I would really appreciate being able to breathe, eat, sleep normally as well as not need to pee every 30 minutes.

(Note: As if! Yes, I think I do know that although I will have most of my body back I will be getting less sleep and will have a baby in tow 24/7, a new life to deal with, etc. ... bear with me, ok?)

Also, things are so good with Emma at the moment that I am kind of anxious about the baby arriving and disrupting our nice little rhythm. A friend of mine was telling me last week that right at the end of her second pregnancy she wished she could just stay pregnant. She didn't want to give birth because things were just fine as they were. At the time I thought : "What?! Stay pregnant longer?! I couldn't wait for Emma to be born!" But now, I get it. The second one is not the same.

What if Emma hates me? What if I can't find the energy and time and split myself into (at least) 2 to be there for both of them? What if this baby rocks the boat to the point where I really dislike him? or, on the contrary, what if I get so absorbed in him that I find Emma annoying interrupting our little "tête à tête" breast-feeding sessions with her loud and enthusiastic voice and requests for attention? What if I don't find the patience? What if I just can't handle it all at once and want to run away to a silent beach or a coffee & chat with a friend in nice clothes and no laundry to be done?

All of this will probably happen. And I know that there will be moments where I will feel totally overwhelmed and crazy and desperate. There will also be moments where I will feel like the luckiest person alive.

The first time around I was so happy. (Despite being in worse shape physically, having painful swollen legs and feet, being absolutely huge, being in transit from Izmir to Geneva to Vienna for God's sake! having a crazy thyroid and bringing Emma back to my mother-in-laws and not our home, not knowing where we were going to live and then finally moving into a disaster area of a flat before spending over six months in Geneva while Steph was in Vienna, etc.) I was really happy. Sometimes I felt a bit robbed of the moment, like I could not fully enjoy our first months together due to all this external chaos but overall I was absolutely over the moon with Emma and with being her Mum.

Even before she was born, I was so enthusiastic and looked forward to meeting Emma. I had no clue about the sleepless nights to come, being more tired than is imaginable, that I would sometimes want to cry out of exhaustion or scream from frustration at just wanting to have 30 minutes to myself or feel totally at a loss when Emma was crying incessantly and not being able to make her stop. Ah! the innocence.

Granted, these moments were short-lived and are really blurry and minor memories compared to the joy and pride and sheer fulfillment I feel when I look at Emma (or sometimes even a picture of her), when I hear her laugh or see the sparkle in her eye as she smiles. She has grown so much and it's not often that I can cuddle her for more than a minute now days (unless she is ill or grumpy).

The love was bigger, greater, fatter and more enveloping than all the rest of it.

But now, I worry that her little brother will disrupt her happiness, our balance, and at the same time, I feel quite horrible to be worried about this instead of being overwhelmed with joy about welcoming our little boy. I cannot remember feeling worried about our life changing due to Emma. I worry, will I love him like I love her?

It's just that, there is only one single first time - in everything - and I wish I could be as fresh to motherhood this time as I was with Emma and at the same time for it not to hurt her or me or us. I want the good without the bad and it's impossible. I cannot be the same parent to both children, simply because I am not entirely the same person as I was nearly three years ago before Emma became a part of our lives.

***

Update (16th March 2010):
I feel a bit less anxious today. I feel a bit more faith in... life? I know that at least this time we will not be moving with a newborn and that we have a stable environment in which to welcome our baby. Our home, some friends and greater knowledge of the city. Spring is on its way and with it Vienna becomes a much nicer place to live. All this adds up to us having more energy and a better network to help us through the first few months. We also have a short family holiday planned to the sun which I am looking forward to.
Emma, although possessive and used to being the centre of our world, will also benefit from her brother's arrival. And she is a very resourceful little girl. She now also has a life outside of our home with friends at kindergarden and gym class and the park. Also, a few family members will be visiting us this Spring and hopefully she will also find solace in their love and attention.
All we can do is our best to include her and support her and each other during this time. With a bit of luck, it will be alright.

3D ultrasound pic at 34 weeks

Here he is, squashed nose and all! We think he kind of looks like Emma did around the same age. The technician commented on how relaxed he seemed.

His estimated weight is now between 2200gr and 2400gr and his length 43cm.
All measurements are normal and the EDD remains April 20th +/- 3 days.
Our 34 week check-up confirmed that there is no sign of placenta previa and so in principle I can have a natural birth.

Our little boy has changed a lot since the last 3D images of him were taken.

Fun family week-end & Emma being scary

Despite the fact that it snowed thus ruining my hopes that Spring was going to be here this week, we had a really fun week-end.

Nothing exceptional happened - oh! except Emma decided she wanted to pee on the toilet and actually did it!!! once - but it was really nice, fun family time with a good proportion of laughs and games, resting and eating, a meal out, some shopping, time at the park plus a touch of "culture" in the form of a play we went to see at Vienna's English Theatre.

I wish us many more of these.

Here's a little video of Emma being scary that made me laugh. Hope you enjoy it too!