Get closer - What a difference a hug makes

Love this video

How (weird) am I?

Today three different people asked me how I was. I mean really asked me - not just a reflex question or polite reply to me asking them.
Isn't that weird? Weird that I noticed (although to be honest, people are mostly asking about Emma or family abroad these days...) weird that it happened, weird that I felt weird being asked, just weird.
I figure, either I look really awful/scary/worried/sad now or I actually look less so, meaning I guess that I look more approachable and people actually dare the question now.
I'm not really sure which one it is. Nor am I sure which option I like better.

too much not needed to be done

Sometimes knowing what you MUST do (and doing it) is easier than (having the leisure to) figure out what you WANT to do.

Sometimes having lots that you MUST DO can be a great alibi for (fulfilling ones') life.
.
.
.
Is it clear that I feel I get lost (in the "leisure" of) trying to figure out what I WANT to do?
.
.
.
Freedom can be a burden! hah!

"Vienna-Take-2" two month round-up

It's been roughly two months since we've moved to Vienna for "take 2" after many months in Geneva (or nearby Geneva in our pad in France). As luck would have it, this little milestone will be celebrated by a little urlaub as we head back to our pad and Geneva for a week.

It's going to be great to see friends and family and I'm interested in seeing Emma's reactions to them; does she remember them? does she remember her room there? and our little routines and trips to the local market?

I know they are all really looking forward to seeing Emma and I'm sure she will impress everyone with how much she has learned and grown and how much more she can do and how well she communicates. (Well, I'm her Mom, I'm bound to think she's the dearest, smartest, cutest little toddler ever!)

Anyway, back to the point of this post. Since it's been nearly two months after "Vienna take 2" I just wanted to take a look at how much better this time has been than last year (thank heavens!) and consider a few things I'm grateful for in Vienna and elsewhere:

• our home here is solid and not undergoing any kind of construction, it's warm and comfortable and I enjoy seeing our colorful carpets and chachkas brighten the window sills and keep the autumn chills out. Our flat is in a leafy area, near a beautiful park where Emma can play and we can pick up kastanien and I can access some shops on foot which makes a huge difference!
  
• Emma has joined the sunshine group at her kindergarten and is happily doing what toddlers do in perfect normality (although of course she is exceptional to us!)
  
• this also means I have a bit more time for myself after 14 months of 24/7 I really appreciate it
  
• my state of mind this time around is much more open to enjoying Vienna (not totally unrelated to having a bit more time and less chaos at home but also the ever important timing, timing, timing...)
  
• my Dad has successfully undergone a fifth operation in two years as part of his ongoing battle against cancer (tests, op, chemo, tests, op, tests, chemo, more tests, good news, and less good...). I am very proud of his spirit and courage and am so happy he manages to remain his usual self (voracious appetite, stubborn and all) malgré tout.
• the above point, more than ever, makes me thankful that apart from my Dad and my cousin L., and some pain in the butt thyroid issues that run in the family, we are all pretty healthy and kicking
• Steph is happy in his position here and manages to travel a bit less and come home in time to bath Emma. I'm also grateful that he is such a great Dad, getting her up in the morning, bathing her in the evening, playing with her at the park and feeding her soup while I prepare dinner so we can all be together in the kitchen in the evenings.
• I guess all in all, in these times where the stock exchanges worldwide are diving and according to French TV, people are really struggling to pay end of month bills, medical expenses and even fill their fridges, I am thankful that we are ok.

Ok, well that's it for now- there's lots more I could write but I have to pack our bags and close up before leaving.

what really matters

I have grown accustomed to seeing our furniture in very different settings;our flat in Vandoeuvres, the house in Zeytinalan Izmir, our first disaster area flat in Vienna (Zuckerkandlgasse) and now this one in the 18th bezirk of Wien. It's surprising how you somehow manage to make it fit the new layout with a little creativity (e.g. sometimes we have room in the kitchen for a table and sometimes we don't, sometimes our desk is a a desk in the guest room/study and sometimes it's a console table in the entrance or hall where we dump our keys and mail)

However, upon arrival in this new flat, the strangest thing happened when I saw our furniture all set up in the right rooms with our pics up and little knick-knacks laid out; it was like seeing a dead man (so I guess that would be a ghost?). I mean I was really surprised to see it all again. As if it had all died and gone to furniture heaven and could not possibly be in our home again. Weird huh?

I guess it can be explained by:
-not having gone through the process of actually moving out of the flat of the 19th moving into this one (since my honey did all the work while Emma and I were still in Geneva/France)
-the fact that I have sort of settled in our pad in France, making it my new home with pics, decorations, new clothes, bed sheets, cushions etc. as well as new routines, coffees and ice-creams with friends, etc.
-but mainly I think it's due to the fact that I tried so hard to put the Zuckerkandlgasse disaster out of my mind, that I kind of threw the baby out with the bath water as it were.

How weird is that?! It's taking me a little time to consider all these belongings as mine and enjoy them again.

I recently suggested to a friend she do without something (or rather someone) for a trial period before actually deciding whether or not she wanted to do without. Coincidentally, I realized that having lived without practically all my belongings for nearly five months, I manged quite well. In fact, I was just fine.
Admittedly, I bought new furniture , clothes etc. in Geneva, but still, it made me realize how many things I have that I don't actually need, and how they are not the be-all and end-all in terms of making my home. All these things are nice to have, but I if required, I can start over (with a little spare cash and some time) and be happy.
A refreshing, empowering thought.

Likewise, I realized that being in a smaller more compact space had its benefits, especially with a little one. Sometimes we realize how much less is really more. Granted, the two flights of stairs leading up to our pad in France (carrying Emma and groceries), doing all the cleaning (hadn't done it since student days!) and the reduced space was more than compensated by the fact that I could see friends and be in a place that was familiar (easily find my way around town, speak the language etc.). So, how cool is it to realize that I have not grown accustomed to being a spoiled-expat-spouse?! Very.

So... I'm going through stuff and I'm going to give lots of it away and make space for now.
Ha!

The tricks your mind plays

My first memory of one of my mind's tricks goes back to when I was a little girl and staying with my grandmother (aka "Baba") in Grocka on the outskirts of Belgrade.

I don't recall my age, but I was definitely "toilet trained" and most likely under the age of 4 or 5. When I stayed with Baba, I slept in her room (u plavoj sobici), which was conveniently located opposite the bathroom.

One morning I awoke quite mortified to discover I was lying in a wet bed. Baba made no fuss and what I recall most vividly is the proverbial trick my mind played; at the time I distinctly remembered waking up needing to go to the bathroom, getting out of bed and going to the loo... so naturally when I woke up wet in my bed I was more than surprised!

It dawned on us that I had awoken, then fallen asleep again and dreamt the part where I got out of bed and went to the bathroom.

Recently in a similar vein, I have been waking startled at 3 or 4am when I hear Emma crying and have wondered (sometimes aloud!) where she is because a second ago, in my dream, she was in my arms and I was already feeding her.

It seems my mind has created a mechanism of defense against getting out of bed in the middle of the night...

Mummy brain

I recall thinking my good friend N. had gone nutters when she turned hysterical against her mother for crossing the street, on the pedestrian crossing, with her new grand-son in his new pram, not a car in sight but while the light was red !!!!

I also remember thinking that my sister had clearly lost all sense of proportion when she stood as a barrier to the baby blender, defending her controlling position of the "on" button, while desperately trying to position her squiggling daughter on her ever-so-slim-hip, so that her husband could not make carrot purée à sa façon, nor take their daughter from her in an attempt to help her out.

By and by, I have seen reasonable, intelligent, calm women, suddenly turn into a scarier version of the Incredible Hulk when they perceived their bundle of joy to be threatened by the environment, or worse: a family member's good intentions or a friend's uninvited opinion.
It soon became apparent that offering an unsolicited opinion, helping hand or alternative way to a new mother was totally and utterly suicidal. Oh Yeah.

Since then, the above-mentioned have had more babies and have (thankfully) totally chilled. Phew!

Now I'm kind of scared about what is going to happen to my brain in a little while.
There's no point in knowing about it. Awareness is one thing, but something clearly happens - instinct? exhaustion? wanting to be the best possible mom? - that tips your scales and makes you believe you are the only one who knows how to carry, feed, bath, etc. your nappy-filling-rose-smelling-baby.
Suddenly, you're paying more attention to every little breath, mimic and sound than to the hairiness of your under-arms (ugh! that bad?!) and nobody knows better than you whenever your baby is concerned.
Luckily, it seems to be a phase.

Then there's also the fact that all you talk about is baby, poo, nappies, sleep(-lessness)... Looks like that's already started!

I used to wonder what had happened to new-Mummies brains, conversation and sense of humor... I guess in a way it's understandable - being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a brand new human being is rather huge and overwhelming - but so boring to others!
I guess if you flip it around we could say it's being focused?

Looking forward....

How long is 40 weeks anyway?

I've never been great at Maths - but 40 weeks... um, isn't that like 10 months?
Ok, so not every month has the same amount of weeks and so if you spread it all out it somehow works out to ...? I'm confused.

Every time someone asks me how pregnant I am I am at a loss.
At 12 weeks you're finishing your first trimester right? So logically at 24 weeks, that would be 6 months? and then 12 weeks later... at week 36 - Wait! but week 36 (3 x 12) is not 40! In fact that's just about a month early.

Keeping in mind that :

• an average pregnancy lasts 40 weeks (or 38 if you discount the 2 weeks where you're not actually pregnant but have not had your period)
• the baby is due end of July (according to most of the measurements and tests)
• July is the 7th month of the year
• I became pregnant mid-november
• so that should be 7 months + 1 1/2 months = 8 1/2 right? (to which you may add the 2 weeks of amenorrhea to make 9)
  
• which would mean the actual pregnancy lasts 8 1/2 months (but that's 32 weeks + 2 = 34!)
  
• so now that it's May 2nd (week 27) and end of July is 3 months away (+12 weeks), does that mean that we're beginning the third trimester now? (=39 weeks)
  
• and by the way, if you look at the little baby ticker/calendar above, you'll see it says there are 86 days to go - ain't that another 12 weeks!? (is that 3 months? 'cause if it is we're back to my initial question!!!!!)
  

Aggghhhh!

I know that you're probably thinking "Who's counting?!" when all that matters is that things are going well - and the answer is I AM !
I need to plan so that I
a) am allowed to fly back to Geneva
b) arrive in time to have the babe there
c) can do some antenatal aquagym classes and meet my mid-wife
d) have the impression that it's not quite as long as it seems...

I realize the babe will "pop out" (ok I'm trying to be positive and play it down - I am fully aware she will not just "pop out") when she's ready, and that only about 5% of newborns actually arrive on Due Date - but...I STILL WANT TO HAVE A ROUGH IDEA OF WHEN SHE WILL ARRIVE!

Not to mention that:

• we already have a niece who was born on July 22nd 2006 and although she lives in Singapore, it would be nice to have individual birthdates
• without wanting to sound totally superficial - I would much prefer a baby Leo (like hubs and a lot of my friends) to a Crab (although that means waiting a tad longer or at least until after July 23rd!)
  

Ok, well whatever - I just am looking forward to meeting her!

pregnancy baby pregnant 40 weeks 9 months EDD

Double-sided "inat"

After reading a passionately written and touching post by fellow blogger blackbird, titled Inat and a Turbulent Life, I started typing a comment in response to her post on her blog.
As some of you know –or have noticed- concision is not my forte. Realizing that my comment was soon to be as long as her post –inat is truly an inspiring subject- I decided to post my “comment on inat" here, on my own blog, and I hope blackbird won’t mind.

For those of you who are wondering what in the world inat is:

• Pronounced “eenat” it is a word used frequently in Serbian.
• My 1959 crumbling dictionary, inherited from my parents (“Stozer Srpskohrvatsko-Engleski Recnik”) defines inat as "spite", and an action “iz inata” as doing something “out of spite”.
• I'd say, inat is often used as the equivalent of “grudge” or "stubborn defiance" that will urge you to do something (or not) for reasons that in most cases will baffle the minds of those not accustomed to Serbian logic. It is a kind of defiant spirit, an "esprit de contradiction" with a touch of "mauvaise foi”.
• I believe, inat to be something perhaps not exclusively, but most definitely specifically and typically Serbian.
• In the words of Dragan Milovic (of the School of Slavonic and East European Studies, London): “an attitude of proud defiance, stubbornness and self-preservation - sometimes to the detriment of everyone else or even oneself.”
• My father, mother, sister, friends, ex-boyfriends, former colleagues and my dear husband will no doubt agree, I possess my own healthy dose of it....and it has not always served me well.
• More on Inat found on blackbird's blog and these links at the bottom of her post: "Inat: Serbia's secret Weapon" and here

Perhaps it is also worth mentioning, that in the Serbian mentality or culture as it where, inat is far from the negative, bloody-minded trait "spite" or "stubbornness" are in most other cultures. While sometimes formally frowned upon, inat can tacitly be "felt" to be a quality, the cherished trait of "sticking to one's guns" and more often akin to integrity and defiant determination than to narrow-minded stubbornness. And perhaps it is the verb "to feel" that is key here; for this has nothing to do with logic or pragmatism, indeed it is this emotional quality that perhaps makes inat endearing, if at times infuriating.

Now that I've hopefully managed to clarify the obscure meaning of inat, here's what I wanted to say about it.

Although I was not there, I'm the first to take my hat off to the inat, humor and sheer spirit displayed by Serbs in Belgrade during the bombings of '99; the postcards depicting fiery & smoke filled skies defiantly stating "Belgrade by night" or the "target" symbols sprayed on civilians' coats and bags. Inat, is certainly a force to be reckoned with and can entail immensely positive and admirable actions. It has often also made me laugh, because it is such a lofty, crazy aspect of the Serbian character.

However, in my humble opinion, besides being totally childish -if endearing- and lacking in mature judgment, inat is far from being the "well-wishing-friend" Serbs think it is.

When inat (as in Dragan Milovic’s perfect definition “doing things because someone has told you you can’t, not necessarily because you actually want to”) becomes a guiding principle, it can ultimately lead you to perpetually live your life against someone else's doings, actions, positions, thoughts.

Seriously, if you are always doing in defiance and defining yourself against someone or something, then how can you as a person, group or people ever be independent -or free for that matter? How can you stand on your own two feet and follow a path that is yours and good for you? And how vulnerable are you to manipulation because your inat makes you so predictable? (like the “Who says we cannot swim? Sink this boat!”) Your “opponents” need only to play you like a musical instrument, for you will shoot yourself in the foot “za inat”....and serve them by doing it.

Especially in emotional circumstances, inat can also lead to willful and nurtured preservation of grudges that anchor you in the past ("Da komsiji crkne krava /If only the neighbour’s cow would die”). Is it really worth your present and your future, and wasting the energy that could be devoted to making it brighter on your neighbor's stupid cow because of something that happened generations ago?

I really have a lot of affection for inat. But I truly believe, that as much as it has pulled Serbs through the toughest and potentially most humiliating moments, and spurred them on with superb dignity, humor and a kind of proud spirit, it has also been, and is to this day, their (our) Achilles heel*. Because (showing your) inat too often, becomes the objective and makes you lose sight of what really matters, what you wanted or where you were heading to begin with.

In today’s global, pragmatic, capitalistic society inat is not seen by the world as an engaging, endearing, amusing trait. Nor is it proof of integrity, strong character and determination. It is more often than not (viewed as) a stupid, proud, primitive weak spot to be manipulated and used against whoever is ready to die rather than look at the bigger picture and consider it with a little perspective.

The day perspective is valued as much as inat is in the Serbian culture -and please don't read this as selling your soul, the end justifying the means or giving in- that day, the capacity, creativity, intelligence and will of Serbia's citizens will truly take off and realize it's true potential... for -"za inat?"- it will have left the past behind.

...or perhaps it is just a question of putting the notorious "inat" to good use?

*Interestingly one's Achilles heel is often one's strongest quality, hence the glass is half full (the BBC reference to Inat: Serbia's secret weapon) or half empty...

Serbia Serbian Inat stubbornness defiance

BB

Bad blogger…
I’ve been so caught up in other stuff I have not written… and the longer I didn’t write, the longer I didn’t write… it’s one of those things it just gets worse.

Not that there’s nothing to write about…. Just that it’s maybe not your typical bloggin’ material. Or maybe, in fact, it is.

See, it involves something kind of big and terrifically tiny.

Something very normal, so normal in fact that it happens everywhere and all the time, and now days, age is less and less of an issue. Yet, it’s extraordinary and life changing.

Normal and life changing. Tiny and Huge. Common and Extraordinary. Unique yet as old as humanity itself.

… I’m growing a person. Currently it looks like a bean. Inside my belly. One centimeter big but it’s a revolution.

How?
Well, physically; I have fever, my stomach feels like I’ve turned into Father Christmas and my intake of calories is impressive.
I can also tell you that some of those lady like manners, well, there are times, they just have to go. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do… what can I say? It’s nature. And I wouldn’t know what beer belching is like – not a beer person – but I’m all for making yourself feel better when you feel like you’re going to burst.

The funny thing is, you just know something is up. I felt it happen believe it or not, I don’t care, hubs can testify.
I knew something had happened, the moment it happened.
Then I knew for a few weeks.
Then, I knew as I waited the minute or two for the Clear Blue test to tell.
And I knew as I drove to the doctor’s (ha! The gyno! I do have to tell you about that… maybe in another post).

And then, once you really know, (the urine test, the blood test, the ultra sound and the doctor have told you and you’ve kind of began to understand what is happening), you tend to forget.

So much so, that while you’re in the middle of reading a book, or getting out of a car, you suddenly think: “Why the hell do I feel so damn tired, and like I weigh a ton and a half?” And then it hits you: you’ve got a baby bean inside your belly.
You wake up in the middle of the night, your bladder calling and hungry, thinking: “You've got to be kidding! I had pasta 4 formaggi a few hours ago!”

What can I say, you’re sharing your body, your food intake & your disposable energy. It takes some getting used to. I guess it’s all part of the training.
I’m the impatient type, but maybe the 9-month period is not a minute too long.

Oh, the BB? You decide. Here are a few options:
Bébé
Big Belly
Baby Bean
Brigitte Bardot (ahem!)
Big Busted (did I mention that hormones do that to you?)
But(t) Babe (that's the food!)
...


pregnant first trimester becoming a parent

Smoking post

A while back, I subscribed to Google alerts for all things relative to Turkey. At this time of year, on top of all the EU/USA/Turkey/Cyprus articles, I was flooded with links to “how to pluck and stuff a Turkey”, “juicy and tender Turkey”, “allergen free Turkey”....

One link I received in November read: “To quit smoking cold turkey is really a fantasy in the mind of most smokers”. I thought; "here we go again, another one making a business out of the alleged near impossibility of quitting smoking..."
So I followed the link and read a former smoker's account on how he quit smoking. I have to admit, the man is honest and anything but patronizing. I was especially empathic to his recount of how emotionally attached a smoker gets to smoking.

As a non-smoker, smoker and ex-smoker, I’d like to say that:

• there’s nothing rational about smoking (starting & stopping included). Most smokers and ex-smokers know and knew how bad is for them. Most smokers agree that it is unpleasant and stinky, hate the dependency and the social pressure. Nevertheless, many continue smoking. The pics on cigarette packs in some countries, showing cancerous lungs, rotten teeth and malformed babies, don't make smokers quit, in fact I hear they have become collectable items. Many adolescents swear they hate the fact their parents smoke but light up themselves a couple of years later. Most smoker-parents don't want their children to smoke.

• smokers really do have an emotional tie to smoking so using rational arguments to convince them to quit is at best going to get you a superficial, short-lived conscious acknowledgement that you are right

• to quit smoking you have to want to

• but the emotional implications for most smokers go well beyond will power. Because smoking becomes an extension of your identity; a smoker will smoke when happy and celebrating or when sad and depressed, when concentrated or when taking a break, when bored and waiting, when chilling out or stressed, when alone and with a crowd. Smoking gradually becomes a companion to any circumstance, in fact every circumstance, success or failure, crisis or triumph- because of all this, quitting involves a re-think your self-image (I am a non-smoker vs I am a smoker/ex-smoker constantly craving a cigarette) and of the actual act of smoking (smoking is unnatural/ an effort vs it's cool/natural/part of me). In a nutshell, your belief system needs to change.
  

• the following well-meaning statements are anything but helpful and only create unnecessary fear. “Smoking is…”:
• more addictive than heroine
• much worse for you than being a bit overweight
• one of the most difficult addictions/habits to drop
• like being on anti-depressants so we’re going to give you a Prozac-like prescription to help you quit

Hello?! Do you really think that the perspective of spending your saved-up not smoking money on a new wardrobe because you can’t fit into any of your clothes is motivating? What about the perspective of needing pills to feel normal again? I don’t think so.
Not only are these things so not encouraging they are also not true!

I’m pretty sure that –beyond the implications of rethinking your self-image- a lot of smokers would quit if they could magically just become non-smokers without any of the kickbacks. So telling them about how hard/ impossible/ horrible the stopping will be is really making sure they don’t quit.
How efficient can any undertaking be, when your mind fears the very thought of it? Not to mention the fear of failure.

Not smoking is natural, so your body will welcome it and it will be totally automatic. You don’t become a non-smoker. You return to being one. Hence, you will not loose a part of yourself – you were born this way.

I don’t want to make a case out of it, I know how annoying it was to me when people asked about my quitting. I know ex-smokers who never told anyone they quit and whose offices are smoking zones, because they did not want to become the annoying, pestering ex-smoker. I applaud this although I’m not sure I’d manage it.

All I’m saying is, if you’re a smoker, that’s ok. If you want to quit smoking, or even give yourself a break and say take it up again when you’re healthily retired, you can easily do it. Please don't believe that you'll necessarily go through hell, want to kill everyone around you, put on weight, or become depressed.
It’s easier than you expect and actually really empowering because after having heard how hard it is, you feel like a champ’ when you wing it.
And because it’s natural, you won’t put on weight if you don’t need to, because there is nothing to compensate.
If you want some support, you may want to try Quit Smoking Right Now.

(N.B. I am in no way linked to this person, I don't know him, and I am not benefiting from recommending him. I just found his "program" as easy as pie and inexpensive compared to all the outrageously priced systems out there which charge the equivalent of a year or two of smoking because they're helping you. Also, it's money back guaranteed.)

Quit-smoking Stop Smoking Smoking Addiction

Art Thou Art?

Art is different things to different people.

Some like to be swept off their feet by it, stirred deep within. Others expect art to be provocative and challenging; to comment or rebel thus carrying a socio-political mission. Others still, need it to be beautiful and pleasant to live with, or on the contrary represent nothing but another smart investment.
And of course, you may have all of the above expectations although probably not from the same piece of art.

Art, whatever your expectations of it, is spreading to/ appearing on/ using (all depends on your definition of art) more and more media, from the very mundane and practical to the truly innovative and weird. Theoretically, there's nothing new to this, in fact I'm sure every generation comments on how now-days art is no longer what it used to be and how can a can of beans/ electronic noise/ swirvy incoherent colors or dots/ be art?

DNAARTNAARTAARTARTRTT DNAARTNAARTDARTDNART DNADNAART NARADT ARTDNARTNDAA DNAART NARTAD AARTDN ADNAR TNARAD DNAARTNAARTAARTARTRTT

No intention of trying to define art. I just wanted to share an interesting concept I have come across, which in its form is commonly accepted to be art (a photograph, sculpture or painting) but is in fact a reproduction of individual human blueprints.

The stuff that not-so-long-ago showed tiny, if key, differences in between what makes a human, human and not a chimp. The stuff that enabled the cloning of Dolly. The stuff that in the movie Gattaca would allow you to choose your profession or lead you to a pre-defined destiny. The stuff you inherit and that if insurance companies have their way, will cost you loads in coverage that will no longer be prophylactic if they find you carry a cancer gene...the stuff that makes you, specifically, scientifically, you - your DNA.

Now you can have a portrait of your DNA in your living room! Or your partner's. Or have them sitting side-by-side.


It's innovative, it's funky, it's colorful and supposedly what makes you, you. Is it art?
DNA11.com or dna-art.nl


ART
DNA DNA-ART

When it gets cold...

It's the time of year when it gets cold and the rain is swishing around on the roads and gathering into enormous grey puddles that splash all over the sidewalks and mingle with the seawater the waves have landed on the shore. But I don't mind, 'cause inside my car, the heating is on and Jamie Cullum's mellow voice sooths the air, my windscreen wipers are on full blast, and I feel warm and safe in a island of mobile warmth and cosiness.

...walking into a warm, heated home, where you can finally remove your shoes, scarf and coat, and your skin swells with pleasure and your muscles relax - it's just an unbeatable feeling, don't you think?

I love being inside under a warm blanket, with my thick, scruffy, pink socks and a cup of tea when it's stormy and pouring with rain.

I love how, no matter the cold and the rain, there is a place you can go, light a fire, turn the heating up and listen to some music. Doesn't take much, but it's enough to make you feel totally protected and isolated from the aggressive cold and wet just meters away. Mmhhh...

Which is why, when it's 15°C inside, the hot water is cold, and the electricity is out - the darn weather wins and you actually feel more exposed than you did minutes ago driving along the wet streets and looking forward to coming home. Doesn't take much but when it's not available, you really miss basic comfort!!!!

Back again

We're back in Izmir, after 10 days in Geneva. So how was it? Being home was, well... a bit unlike being home.

Of course, we we're in Geneva and it was great to see friends and family and just, well, be in a place you know, and have not been in for a few months. Familiarity is sometimes so wonderful.

It was appeasing to understand all that was going on around us; it's as if my brain, having muted all the incomprehensible conversations around me for four months, was suddenly fully "on", bordering on overload, like being solicited from all directions because it could grasp the meaning of every word around me - luckily this did not last long! I loved every minute of being able to fluidly and quickly maneuver through minor traffic and get anywhere in less than 20 minutes, appreciated being serviced with a smile and helpful attitude, enjoyed a delicious week-end pizza at our usual week-end hang out, walked about in the sun on the lake side, basked in the beautiful greens of the fields and trees... Yet, it felt different than when we were living there. My perspective had changed. I observed people in the streets, new cafés and shops, and noticed things I hadn't paid attention to before. I had not participated in Geneva's life for four months, but it felt like I had been away for at least a year.

It was not exactly like being home 'cause after a day rushing around seeing friends and family, we didn't have our home to go back to, not our car/scooter, nor our noisy neighbor Jean to mumble about. (I do not miss his yelling against his kids, but still, it was part of our life during our last months in Vandoeuvres). I'm not complaining. It was wonderful to stay with A. and her hospitality and kindness were absolutely first-rate. Wonderful to have dinner with the girls, and I enjoyed every lunch, coffee, dinner, and walk... but it was weird being home and yet feeling that home was no longer truly there.

Izmir from the plane

I guess, this is actually a good thing; while we don't yet feel 100% at home here, arriving at the airport and driving back, certainly felt less foreign. I even had a few people to call this time and some who called me. It was nice to pick up Balou in great shape and find our home with all our things in it, spotlessly clean, as Hamide, our wonder-cleaning lady had come by. I actually enjoyed doing a big food shop and filling our fridge knowing that there are a few added ingredients and spices I brought back with me, which will make for enjoyable more-like-home meals. My mind filled with fresh Geneva sights and impressions and finding Izmir practically as green as Geneva, now that the sun is less scorching hot, was a rewarding reminder that home is where you make it.

Quarterly random bits

Before heading back to Geneva for 10 days, and since we’ve been in Turkey for four months and a bit, I thought I’d share a quarterly review on random bits and mysteries that remain to be resolved:

1. The average Turk is generally rather laid back in terms of timeliness (yavaş, yavaş), quite gentle and soft-spoken… Except behind the wheel. Watch out! Bye bye Dr. Jekyll, Welcome Mr. Hyde! Honk-Hoooonk! The relaxed Turk turns into speeding lunatic who has to overtake the car ahead even if he'll be turning off the main road 20 meters later anyway. Huh? It's like: "Hurry up so I can go home, lay back and relax!" Still a mystery to me!
   
2. Turkey is a control freak’s paradise; you’ll be able to let your controlling instincts run wild and no one will get offended when you remind them to come/go finish the job/ - in fact it’s the only way to get things done here.
3. When speaking with locals or ordering in a restaurant, remember Greek salad is not Greek, nor is Moussaka. And Baklava is certainly neither Greek (μπακλαβάς) Serbian (баклава), Romanian (baclava), nor Lebanese (بقلاوة).
4. Do the sales people realize that helping and encouraging you to buy from the shop is part of their job?
5. Luckily, the ones that are helpful really go out of their way to give you a hand!
6. Any given supermarket or market has at least 300 different white cheeses which are totally indistinguishable from the outside (all square blocks in saran wrap)
   
7. Petrol is the most expensive on earth!
   
8. When stopped by the police, or by an annoying promotion-person just say “turkçe konuşmiyorum” (I don’t speak Turkish) and you’ll instantly get an apologetic smile and a wave to move on.
9. Advocating the use anti-perspirant /deodorant that promises 7 day efficiency is a very near sighted strategy... (euh, gross!)
   
10. Ataturk is never a subject to joke about

More, with a fresh perspective, when I return!
I'm so happy to be going home!!!!!

Turkish tax strategy

Turkey, like many countries was having a hard time getting their tax money in - and they came up with a pretty innovative strategy in my opinion.

Because they didn't have the trusted manpower to check the country's businesses' bookkeeping, they implemented a pull strategy by encouraging the consumer to pressure the business.

In a restaurant or shop, it was common practice not to receive the bill, to keep income off the books. So the government decided to refund a percentage of the VAT to individuals at the end of each year -provided they could show proof of expense- for purchased clothes, food, medical goods and school supplies among other things.

By asking for the bill and claiming a refund on part of the VAT she had paid on goods during the year, a friend of mine in Izmir was refunded about 400 YTL (about 200 Euros) per year. Not bad. I can think of a few things I'd rather do with that then spending it on VAT. And it's all in the interest of the country.

The system worked well, and so gradually the state has reduced the percentage of VAT they refund - perhaps a bit quickly in my opinion, for it will take a while for the tax evasion process to "un-become" the norm.

Now-days, although you still get asked if you want the bill or not (and get offered a discount in shops if you don't want it) a larger proportion of the population has gotten into the habit of automatically pressuring the business into good bookkeeping simply by asking for the bill.

tax tax strategy VAT KDV living in Turkey expat musing

A brave new world

Waking up this morning, I still wasn't sure whether what I was about to do would make me feel like a cowardly drop-out, or a braver, more in-touch-with-myself-person; the kind that can be a good friend to herself.

A month ago today, I started Turkish classes at state language school here in Izmir with a group of foreigners. From the start, I found the schedule too intense (4 hours a day, 5 days a week plus 2 hours a day getting there and back) and the general rhythm not to my taste. The fact that everyone but me was actually living with a Turkish boyfriend, husband, father, mother, aunt, or had a doctorate in Turkish lit. didn't really help.

The first week was exhausting as they always are. After that, most afternoons I felt so tired and heavy with indigested novelties that by the time I got home, the last thing I felt like doing was getting my head around more Turkish and doing my homework. Some days, I actually took afternoon naps I was so tired! Why is this so hard? Has my brain reached it's maximum capacity of foreign languages? Frustration at constantly trying to keep up was brimming and sapping ever more energy. Why am I doing this? Yes, I want to learn the language, but can I keep a minimum of a life too?
I hung in there.

At the end of September, I took the oral and the 4 hour (!!!) written exam, which completed level 1 and enabled me to continue on to level 2. I passed it with a pretty good score and felt almost disappointed.

On Monday, level 2 started. The size of the class had doubled but was one person short for them to split the class in two. I found myself even more frustrated due to the lack of time for each of us to practice speaking and ask individual questions. With an even larger number of people whose knowledge of Turkish way surpassed mine, keeping up was more than a headache. I felt totally miserable at the perspective of going on with the "up at 6 to enjoy 4 hours of running after comprehension before trying to figure it out at home" routine.

Waking up this morning I thought: "I've got to make learning Turkish a bit more pleasurable and find a format that's more in tune with my current level and pace or I'm going to end up hating the language".
The little devil on my shoulder piped up immediately: "You drop out. How do you expect to learn if you give it up after one month?"
I felt queasy. I'm really shite at letting go/ giving up/ leaving. Like a dog with his bone. Somehow a part of me still adheres to "you go on no matter what". Even if it's stupid, fruitless, bad for me, whatever. Up bringing, has a strong hold no matter what you learn later in life. Plus I'm stubborn.

I went to school but not to class. I waited for the break at the end of the first hour and spotted the teacher.
Couldn't you find the class? (Ouch!)
Actually, I was waiting for you. Can we talk?
Off we go to an empty class room. I explain that I'm feeling really frustrated while constantly striving to keep up with people who practice Turkish all day long, that he's a great teacher but that the format is not working for me, that I learn better when I'm happy and comfortable, and does he by any chance give private lessons?
Hurrah! He does. And he will. And he lives not far from us, so there's a no-more 2-hour-traffic-jams bonus.

Here's to making things easier on yourself 'cause you can, and 'cause it's OK.

Thanks to my honey for knowing the devil on my shoulder and helping me make the good guys win.

stubbornness expat musings foreign language learning Turkish

Learning Turkish

Turkish is an agglutinating language, which means it makes the bits in your brain stick together and become something akin to Russian kasha.

This is how it works:
Where English and other languages, need seven or so words to say something like "I will not come to the Cinema", Turkish only needs two ("sinemaya gelmiyorum").

This is because Turkish agglutinates all the bits to the verb or the noun or both:
In the example above, the negative (m) is stuck onto the root of the verb (gel) and before the subject (here first person singular indicated by "um"). The preposition "to" is the "ya" at the end of the word cinema.

This all sounds pretty simple until you start trying to identify words as someone is speaking. You might get one or two words, but they could mean a number of things -or potentially the exact opposite- depending on what is stuck on to them.

To add to the fun, the basic word order is "the woman the book read" which again sounds simple enough, cause the book can't read the woman, but wait until the sentence you are trying to understand involves two people and try to figure out who is doing what to whom!

Unexpected use of prepositions with verbs (for instance "I like *from* my friend", which literally comes out as "friend mine from very like I") combined with no distinction in between masculine and feminine (no gender whatsoever) completes the scrambling of neurones.

On the positive side, most of the endings rhyme with the word you're adding them on to and there are only six letters in the Turkish alphabet which do not exist in the English one (of which three vowels, but Turkish has no Q, W, X) so at least I don't have to learn another alphabet!

Fun, huh?


learning Turkish expat musings living in Turkey

Ecolonomy makes the world go round

We are surrounded by big companies that produce and sell "products that make every day better for the world's consumers” thereby "creating a world of difference in people's lives everyday”.

Billion dollar, often global brands in beauty care, health care, baby, family and household care. All trumpeting that sustainable development and corporate responsibility, are key. All claiming their first responsibility is towards those that use their products, (sorry, "high quality products") their employees, and the communities in which they work and live.

Huge, successful, heavy weight companies all striving to make the world a better place. That's a lot of money, a lot of people.

I guess the environment is part of this better world they are making. The shared, global environment, we live in.

So why is it, that in today's modern world, inhabited by these huge, powerful, responsible companies, who prone sustainable development and create social corporate opportunities, why is it, that at the door of Europe, in Turkey, (and I'm pretty sure, the Balkans, Russia and other developing countries would be no different) I cannot find one single refill for my soap, shampoo, detergent? A refill, which has less wrapping than the actual tube or bottle used to market & sell the original product. A refill, which allows you to keep the previous packaging (hence causes less waste) can be more easily recycled, and is usually environmentally friendlier in its components.

The technology exists. These environmentally “lighter” refills exist. The machines, the packaging, the prints. It’s all there. It's being sold in Western Europe and America, so why is it not used globally?

I discuss with my husband.
Cost he says.
I figured.
But... does it not cost companies to fork out cash for their annual charities and philanthropic does?
These activities have greater impact on the public; they yield better results in terms of image and reputation.

Sure, sponsoring the medicine that will make a sick child better, makes for touching pictures. But what's the point if the water the child will drink (if any is available), the food he will ingest, or the air he will breathe, are more lethal than the current illness. What's the point of so called developed countries using the environmentally less damaging products/packaging, and making efforts to recycle them, if the much larger rest of the world is not? Or cannot. (I have been looking for a place to dispose of my old batteries, and have still not found one after two months!)

So, mostly we are very short and near sighted. Gratification has to be immediate. We want returns on investment now. We don't look ahead (in time) or around (geographically). But the truth is, we live in a world where in part at least, our present and future inexorably depends on what other people do (and we to them…) Hence, no nation, can be free to act as it will, independent or sovereign in dealing with common, shared, global resources. Ditto for those big companies, and each and every one of us.

I think everybody will agree that in the long term, the cost of environmentally irresponsible behavior is far, far higher than marketing and selling ecologically friendly products globally, even where it is not a pre-requisite for your product to sell or your company to be well perceived. Agreeing obviously isn’t enough.

Coming back to my initial observation on not being able to find environmentally friendly products in shops, my husband comments: Nobody here even knows what caring about the environment is. Let alone recycling. Look at all these people just throwing out their empty beer bottles in the sea, their old sinks on the beach, car parts in the fields. They don't get it. As long as it's not in their face. And even when it is, they don't mind sitting on a beach next to rubbish. They don't see the equation of cause and effect - and they are not the only ones!

He's right. It's amazing to us, but they do sit on beaches that we would consider garbage dumps or throw wrapping out of their car windows. Ok, so they need to be educated. It will take time, but it can be done.
My husband is on a roll: In developing countries, ecology is a luxury. Economy (i.e. basic needs according to Maslow's pyramid) comes first.
Economy, Ecology: opposing forces. I disagree. I think they are so linked that in today's world of economic rule, it has become an impossible luxury to ignore ecology. Amusingly, both terms go back to the Greek word oikos, (household); ecology is the logos (reason or logic) of the household, economy, the nomos (law) of the household. One would think, that reason and law should work together.

I'm not some big ecological nut. I don't know about all the polluting components of the products I use – and I’m sure there are many. Like most, I use what I think smells good, cleans well, etc. But I do, buy things that can be recycled, have less wrapping, and sprout the PET or other ecological logo. I try to remember to take my big IKEA bag when I shop food so as not to bring back dozens of plastic bags that I will not re-use. In Switzerland, I would sort and separate paper from bottles, aluminum from biodegradable waste. It was easy, there was an appropriate place for each type of waste, and so all I had to do was sort. The commune and canton did the rest.

In the German speaking parts of Switzerland, they made it economically sound for you to be ecologically responsible. Each citizen pays tax according to the amount of waste he produces. Initially, I am told, people would unwrap all excess packaging on the spot and leave it in the bins at the supermarket. Gradually, they started buying products that had "light" and "only-where-needed" packaging. Economic pressure on the consumer/buyer, developed into pressure on the producer/seller.

Similarly, tax incentives for green consumers or environmental initiatives are a growing trend and include deductible environmental cleanup costs, lower taxes on hybrid cars, or tax benefits for developing cleaner energy. Pollution tax and fines exist, and although they increase from year to year, too often they remain symbolic in many cases compared to the benefits incurred. More and more companies linked to environmental projects are quoted on key stock exchange markets. So, it seems, the door to ecological responsibility is economical -whether it's the carrot or the stick. The pull or the push.

Following this reasoning of Economy governing Ecology, (notice it’s law governing reason, shouldn't it be the other way around?) means that the same richer countries, (individuals and organizations) are paying poorer and ecologically sounder ones, to buy their unused "pollution points" (or “offsets”). So in practice, while in developing countries, wealth determines your “right to pollute” (in terms of “offsets” or just because you can easily afford the pollution fines or tax), you also pay more for products that are environmentally friendly (from your washing machine to ecologically engineered housing, or bio-food). Simultaneously, developing countries are continually sold the unwanted polluting goods for less.

It seems to me, that in developing countries, there can be no pressure from the consumer due to lack of awareness, education, and lack of infrastructure. So that leaves us with “push” or pressure on the producer/seller from the top down. Why is this is not happening?

For human beings who have the capacity to embrace abstract concepts like the “future”, (as opposed to other animals who live exclusively in the present) it shouldn’t be too difficult to grasp that it's like moving your waste from your front garden to your back door. It's the same garden. The same, common, shared planet. And what goes around, comes around.

Any ideas for some environmental lobbying on a global scale?

No man is an island

If you've been wondering where I was...welcome to the club. I've been wondering the same thing myself, except probably for longer... And, I'm not sure I've come up with a satisfactory answer (yet?)

I mean I'm still me right? But I'm just so out of context that I feel much less like myself - for better or for worse.
Not like it's my first time either (moving I mean) - I've done this quite a bit, and practically always to another country, with a new language/culture/school system/way-of-life/ etc.

It's just that it's my first time out of a "system".

Yeah, this time, no school/University/host family/job/ waiting for me, expecting me to pitch up, do my thing, whatever... This time, I'm "the spouse". No one but my little family is expecting the tiniest of squeaks from me.

So I guess, this time more than ever, it's all about me deciding how I fill the days/use my time/brain/hands/body.

It's not as if I weren't busy doing this. I am. Mostly though, I'm filling up with words, views, music, impressions, thoughts, smells, feelings... and not that many people to share them with.
Sure, you can have the most beautiful view in the world, the sweetest meal, the dreamiest music, the most engrossing book, and it's not as good as having half of it, with company you can share it with.

But it's not only about wanting to express things.

I think the most difficult thing, is not being part of something, the lack of input from the world, interaction with family, friends, co-workers, clients, well, anyone, I guess.

Being part of something is not only comforting and gratifying, but part of who we are as social beings. It is key in defining ourselves.

We are all "many-in-one”; a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a student, a teacher, and different facets of that "me" are revealed and brought forward by different people and/or situations. (For the sake of it, think stress or vacation, a new status or role, a challenge or a loss). We are defined by all of these roles, by the interaction with different people and situations. This too is being part of a "system". They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it's much more than beauty.

We interact with others, and their very being, has an incidence on us, and vice versa.

For me, at the moment, not having much of an interaction with my environment is like playing tennis against a wall. The ball comes back to you the way you hit it - no real input on the other end.

I guess I got to find me a tennis partner or two.