If you've been wondering where I was...welcome to the club. I've been wondering the same thing myself, except probably for longer... And, I'm not sure I've come up with a satisfactory answer (yet?)
I mean I'm still me right? But I'm just so out of context that I feel much less like myself - for better or for worse.
Not like it's my first time either (moving I mean) - I've done this quite a bit, and practically always to another country, with a new language/culture/school system/way-of-life/ etc.
It's just that it's my first time out of a "system".
Yeah, this time, no school/University/host family/job/ waiting for me, expecting me to pitch up, do my thing, whatever... This time, I'm "the spouse". No one but my little family is expecting the tiniest of squeaks from me.
So I guess, this time more than ever, it's all about me deciding how I fill the days/use my time/brain/hands/body.
It's not as if I weren't busy doing this. I am. Mostly though, I'm filling up with words, views, music, impressions, thoughts, smells, feelings... and not that many people to share them with.
Sure, you can have the most beautiful view in the world, the sweetest meal, the dreamiest music, the most engrossing book, and it's not as good as having half of it, with company you can share it with.
But it's not only about wanting to express things.
I think the most difficult thing, is not being part of something, the lack of input from the world, interaction with family, friends, co-workers, clients, well, anyone, I guess.
Being part of something is not only comforting and gratifying, but part of who we are as social beings. It is key in defining ourselves.
We are all "many-in-one”; a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a student, a teacher, and different facets of that "me" are revealed and brought forward by different people and/or situations. (For the sake of it, think stress or vacation, a new status or role, a challenge or a loss). We are defined by all of these roles, by the interaction with different people and situations. This too is being part of a "system". They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it's much more than beauty.
We interact with others, and their very being, has an incidence on us, and vice versa.
For me, at the moment, not having much of an interaction with my environment is like playing tennis against a wall. The ball comes back to you the way you hit it - no real input on the other end.
I guess I got to find me a tennis partner or two.