Sunday, October 31, 2010

Life goes on: Halloween and Sveti Luka

It was Halloween week-end and Emma was a tiger

And she absolutely LOVED it!

Also she loves pushing Will in the buggy

and holding him in her arms when she sits

William's teeth are coming through ! We can feel one of the bottom ones already! Ouch!!!
And he is now able to sit by himself without toppling over within a minute. Yay! Solid foods here we come!!!

October 31st is also St. Luke - my family's Patron Saint's day. Usually we are all in Belgrade to celebrate and enjoy great food at my cousin's house in his garden. This year due to my Dad's passing a month ago, we have not celebrated it as usual.

With my Dad's passing, I feel that so much of my history, my roots, our traditions are going to disappear too. It's now up to us to make our own or maintain them but he was the one, the elder, who really held it all together. I mean, even the language he gave me I now speak so rarely, with my cousin, my father's friends... but it is not one I will be passing on to my children (too many to work with already!) and in a language there is so much...

Having said that, I am lucky enough to have beautiful, happy, healthy children who will have some of my Dad's traits, his spirit, some expressions... and to whom I will try to pass on some of the wonderful things he taught me.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Grieving, letting go and living

I have to post something if only not to remain on the last sad post. Finally I have a few moments and thoughts that might make sense to someone.

I am having a hard time grieving. It's really hard to be sad with kids around - I am thankful to them for keeping me busy and making me make an effort to be happy and positive and constructive (all things my father would have applauded for sure) but at the same time as soon as I am on my own or have a moment's peace (in the middle of the night after breastfeeding Will or when walking to kindergarden to pick up Emma) I feel such sadness and frustration at not being able to feel and live it fully, discuss it with myself, write about it, mull it over, flip it around and around so that I can move away from under the dark cloud over my head.

This process is something I need to do so that I can move on - in a positive and healthy sense - and my life at the moment is preventing me from doing it. But life is what it's about, right?

Also, there is all the red tape that needs to be dealt with.

Finally, after nearly a month life handed me a long week-end and a chance to discuss things with my husband and a friend on the phone. Grieving is a process and I know I'll be needing more of this, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

Also, I need to figure out a way to tell Emma that Deda has died.
And because his girlfriend is using his phone I get sms labelled "Daddy" - which make me jump but I don't want to relabel his phone number just yet for all his texts saved under "daddy" and stored in my phone.

Letting go, moving on, feeling serene and grateful about the time we had (even the not so much fun parts) and letting go of the anger and frustration about what could have been is a process. One step at a time.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

My Daddy

27.09.1939 - 30.09.2010

I love you
I miss you
You will always be in my heart
Thank-you for having been my wonderful Daddy