I have to post something if only not to remain on the last sad post. Finally I have a few moments and thoughts that might make sense to someone.
I am having a hard time grieving. It's really hard to be sad with kids around - I am thankful to them for keeping me busy and making me make an effort to be happy and positive and constructive (all things my father would have applauded for sure) but at the same time as soon as I am on my own or have a moment's peace (in the middle of the night after breastfeeding Will or when walking to kindergarden to pick up Emma) I feel such sadness and frustration at not being able to feel and live it fully, discuss it with myself, write about it, mull it over, flip it around and around so that I can move away from under the dark cloud over my head.
This process is something I need to do so that I can move on - in a positive and healthy sense - and my life at the moment is preventing me from doing it. But life is what it's about, right?
Also, there is all the red tape that needs to be dealt with.
Finally, after nearly a month life handed me a long week-end and a chance to discuss things with my husband and a friend on the phone. Grieving is a process and I know I'll be needing more of this, but at least it's a step in the right direction.
Also, I need to figure out a way to tell Emma that Deda has died.
And because his girlfriend is using his phone I get sms labelled "Daddy" - which make me jump but I don't want to relabel his phone number just yet for all his texts saved under "daddy" and stored in my phone.
Letting go, moving on, feeling serene and grateful about the time we had (even the not so much fun parts) and letting go of the anger and frustration about what could have been is a process. One step at a time.